Big Picture

Before i tell you my big idea, i should give you a few updates:
I am reading "Hitchhiker's guide to Galaxy".
I have a small garden and i love it when it is in full bloom, and i feel distraught if any of my plants is dying or unwell..

So i was dining with Jaya and we were discussing what a diabolic squirrel did to her baby plants. I mentioned how some of my plants were not doing well, even though they were being water properly and had the right kind of soil etc etc.. She replied that she has read that plants suffer more from over watering than underwatering. That was that, our Ravioli arrived and we started discussing Gnocchi and Ravioli.

Then while in office on Friday i read the security advisory that Chennai had been declared a disaster zone. Army had been deployed for the rescue ops.
Too much rain. Overwatering is bad for humans too, i thought grimly.

Then i thought, what if, God is just another person in a bigger realm.
Sun must be his kitchen, Earth must be his garden. When we pray, we would be like flowers blooming and his heart (probably) melts. While watering his garden, he must have left the can running over chennai.

He would talk to other "Gods" of how his garden is looking good, but the "humans" (instead of plants) are dying in one of the places; and the other God would reply sagely, "Humans die more of overwatering than underwatering.."

Taking Stock

Another year coming to end. As i look back, i realise that i haven't done much this year...

I haven't read as many books i'd like to read.
I haven't been a good person as much as i would like to be and I have had a lot of aspersion dumped on me this year.. always unwelcome, sometimes unexpected
I have mostly been a work person. (I want to change that, but i get sad when i think that i will not be 100% dedicated, whatever my 100% means.)

I made new friends, I had more fun this year.
I ate healthier this year, but gained weight nonetheless..
We made some major life decisions this year, took on more responsibility on our shoulders

This year, I finally accepted what i have been evading, that i find it hard to say no to people.
I found that i am never going to be a politically correct person, which means i am going to suffer all my life from foot in mouth disease.
I made my peace with the fact that it is ok to not be/ do what society expects of you.

I found that my family accepted me even though i had a penchant for drama sometimes; though i do not know why.

Vibha Vinod (Part 1)

She was fidgeting under the collective stares of the ladkawalas. Her mother had told her to look abashed, so she kept her gaze averted.

Vibha was in her final year of Masters and wanted to complete her MPhil so she could teach. Math was her favorite subject, she understood numbers. But the untimely death of her father, a trader, had changed things. Suddenly, as if spurred by her husband's death, Vibha's mother had started looking for prospective grooms with an unjustified urgency. The only problem was that her brother was not working yet, and there was not much of a dowry to be offered.

She was called back from her reverie, by her mother's voice. They were now discussing the achievements of the groom. He looked handsome, a head full of hair, shy smile. He was not very tall, but so was her father. He was an MBA, she was relieved to find that he was at least as educated as she was. They had a lot of ancestral land near Bikaner, though they were settled a mere 4 hours away from her hometown. They were very forward, not expecting much dowry, and of course they would let her finish her M Phil.

What more could a girl ask for!

It was a quick wedding. The immediate family was Vinod's parents and his elder brother's family and his elder married sister. The family was close knit and they indulged her through all the ceremonies, encouraging her to dream about a happy comfortable life.

In later years when she will look back to this time, she would bitterly blame herself to be so naive as to readily believe what they told her family. She would close her eyes and silently scream until she was no longer thinking of that fateful day she said yes to marry Vinod.

Time: the silent assasin

Did you ever realize how Time cures every heart ache?
All you need, is to give it time.. and you will stop aching for it: sleep, coffee, booze, chocolate, earrings, shoes, mommy...

Time is an assassin, it kills the feelings in you, and it will also kill the feeling that makes you feel good if you dont shake it up every now and then.

So fight with those you love, cry your heart out, grab hold of them like your life depends on it, because loving them silently will just not do!

Quit your job today and apply for that MS, become the entrepreneur you dreamed to be even if it bankrupts you, because if not now then when?

Beware of Time, it will kill the feeling if you don't live it each day..

Say-More Glass

Have you read the Salinger's Glass family novels?
If you haven't i would invite you to do so.

There is a constant undertone of unrest in all the novels. You can feel that the characters are squeamish, they are suffering due to something in their suroundings and that keeps you hooked. You want to know what's eating them... Everything looks ok on the surface, but that doesn't fool you.. What wrong with this family?

"She worries over the way her love for me comes and goes, appears and disappears. She doubts its reality simply because it isn’t as steadily pleasurable as a kitten. God knows it is sad. The human voice conspires to desecrate everything on earth.” - Seymour Glass

You know those days when you get sick of the artificiality of things. You hate yourself for participating in the act, to keep in step with society.
Saying yes to what you want to say no. Following social etiquettes for a successful life, even though you hate every bit of it.

Keep abiding by the society and eventually such days will come less and less. You will go farther and farther from yourself. You will become the world's version of you, the social shadow will overtake who you were.

On the contrary, stick to doing and saying what you want to and you will be a social pariah. Shunned by people, embarrassment to the family... not that you would care. If you don't care then you are an super attractive social pariah. If you care, then... well... you are doomed.

Where should one exist?

Somewhere in the middle? No i think, that will be the certain path to insanity. I guess we choose the persona in keeping with our personal courage.

Guacamole (Recipe)

It is the best healthy dip i have had recently and Guacamole is very very easy to make.

1 ripe (black) Avocado- peeled, pitted and mashed
1 medium onion - chopped fine
lemon to squeeze
salt & cayenne pepper

Mix it and taste and adjust.
Eat it along with Nachos.. yum!!

Who to Fire First?

He said that till he is fired, he will be fully devoted to the company, he will not start finding a parallel option. There is something in that which smells of motivation, and that feels good these days, a little motivation.

It is troubled times for us oil diggers. The industry is going through possibly the worst downturn of the recent times. We do not hope to recover soon. We do not hope to work less, while there is no work..

We are in the middle of a state of alarm. Our dear CEO left the sword hanging when he publicly announced further headcount reduction.
Now what do you do?
Many will start to job hunt in parallel, to have something in their pocket. Many will rely on their performance as their job security. Most will just panic.

I am struggling these days to be able to put my 100% at work. It depresses me to think that a name is being chosen somewhere high up, with no contribution from our side and that person will get the axe. It is depressing, it is understandable from business perspective, but still it feels wrong.

The debate in my head is, who is a more important asset right now? A person who has started looking for options and will eventually leave, or a person who is working with all his focus and will stick it out if we do not fire him. .

Let me simplify.

There are two parameters at work here:
a) Performance of Employee
b) Loyalty of Employee

Obviously the first to go will be people who have not been performing as expected, consistently.

Subsequently there will be four types in which we can categorize the employees. It is very very obvious what to do with Orange Quadrant and what to do with the Blue one.

The question arises, who do we choose between:
a) Low Loyalty High Performer
b) High loyalty Average performer

I will chose a High Loyalty Average Performer everytime. You can be sure that the low loyalty employees are bad mouthing everyone, they are not happy and not holding back to spread that feeling around. It is a trial to be on good terms with them and death to be on their wrong side.

But Loyalty is not a quantifiable parameter and hence, it does not appear in any appraisal. So when someone completely cut off from the ground reality takes a decision, he/she cannot factor in the loyalty variable.

Herein lies the problem. We keep releasing average people and keep getting shot in the foot.
In times like these i think Loyalty should be the factor that takes precedence over Superstar status at work.

But my theories are unlikely to be picked up by the mechanical organization that we have become. Soon this company will be run by number crunching finance guys and head-chopping HR guys. Operations is fast disappearing into the background.

The only glimpses i get of the ideal company i joined, the company that I was proud to be a part of, the company which valued employees first; are in the words of a handful managers.

In times like these, we just hope to get this over with and move to better times to more meaningful achievements.

This too shall pass.

Uuuh..

My imaginary friends are mute. I know who they are, i know what they do, but i do not know what they feel or why. They don't talk to me.

I have been wanting to write a story, for sometime now.
But you cannot write a story if you cannot get under the skin of the character. If you do not experience the same emotions as them when they react to the mundane situations of life.
How else do you connect to your protagonist?

Back in college i was involved in Dramatics. When i used to act, i could never remember my lines verbatim, i could only remember what i am supposed to convey and what i am feeling. I became the character. I could cry and i could be hysterical and i could be confused, i dint need any props for that.

I want to be able to feel that way again when i am writing, to be able to feel the character. But i guess it requires a lot of compassion to be able to write. Because u are creating when you are writing and you are only re-creating when you are acting and someone has already written for you.
It takes more compassion to understand the various complexities of a character you want to put down on paper, not just your 2-D rendition of them.

Ha Ha funny?

Do you have Ha Ha funny moments in your life?
I do. Lots and lots of them.
But generally it is funny for the others. Those are memories of me being the butt of the joke.

As a kid (as even now) i was always scared of things breaking. It was an irrational fear. It defied the laws of Physics but i employed physics to reason with myself that things will break. for example:
Pressure = Force/ Area (i rue the day i learnt that)
We all stand on earth on our feet, and our feet has a very small area, hence the earth will collapse under the combined force of all human population. Same applies to buildings.
The car will break, we are one too many in it, too much weight on the chassis.
The bed will break, don't jump on it.
And then one day the bed broke while Rohan was jumping on it, and i cried. No one was hurt, but the bed broke!!

Now when we all cousins meet, they remind me of "that" time and everyone enjoys a good laugh. Ha Ha. I don't tell them that i am still scared of that stuff :-/

As a kid i was also scared of electric geysers.
Yeah i know! Ha Ha right?
I am still scared of that thing.
I used to imagine that it will drop on my head and i will be burnt in the hot water; or that it will suddenly burst and spray me with boiling hot water and scald me.
Recently the 10 year old geyser at my parent's place actually spewed hot water everywhere, luckily no one was there to get hurt.

I told Ambuj about it and he managed to keep a straight face (bless him), but not my mom x-(
I am still scared of Geysers, specially the big ones. It is something i check in a house, whether the geyser is located inside or outside the bath.

Want more of my "physicsy" fears?

a) When a lot of vehicles are running at a very high speed, ie not following speed limit, on a bridge (ex; Worli Sealink); is it possible that the vibrations produced by these vehicles superimpose and becomes same as the resonant frequency of the bridge and it collapses?
b) My office floors look to be made of wood (no concrete), if that is safe at all. It is vibrating everytime ANYONE walks around. How long before it collapses and i am dead?
c) When i connect too many appliances on a power strip (which has a fuse) am i running the risk of tripping the electric, or worse, causing a fire?- TV, PS3, TataSky, Home theatre all on one power strip connected to one 5 Amp switch.

You might say that i overthink stuff, but mishaps do happen.. don't they?

Maa

Maa is my grandmother.
I was very fortunate to have grown up with my grandparents. I think i owe this to my mom, who (despite the challenges of staying with aged in laws) made this possible for me.

Maa loved me :) i was the first kid in our joint family and for four long years, the sole center of attention.
But i was remembering her today for something entirely different.
I must have been about four or five years old when this happened. My uncle was home and he had brought a gift for ma (his mom). And stupid and "fearless" as kids are i asked him loudly if this ring was real! He smiled and i saw a weird expression on Maa's face, one i had not seen before. I knew that i had done something when i asked that question but since i recieved no answer or feedback i was not sure.

Few days later, while she was in the poojaghar i went and sat with her. After sometime, while she was rubbing the sandalwood stick to make paste for tilak, I pointed to her earing and asked her, "Maa is this real?"
Before i could recieve an answer or register whether her expression again changes to the same weird expression there was blinding pain, she pulled my ear and told me, "if you ask that question to anyone ever again u will answer to me. You will accept with gratitude whatever someone gives you. What is good for them to give is good for you to have."

I have not forgotten it.
It was one of the most important lessons in my life: humility and respect.

As we go up in life, we forget what matters most is the sentiment. We evaluate others and ourselves in things possessed, in things displayed, in things gifted.... in things.
In this mad race to possess "things" we sometimes forget what we started out for. We forget what matters most to us.

I went shopping today, spent a lot.

Just Saying..

Do you admire fearlessness? What about Courage?

I personally think that fearlessness is different from courage. 

Fearlessness is brain's inability to process the consequences. So its really stupid people who are fearless. Like toddlers.

Courage is fully knowing the consequnces but making a stand for what you believe in, despite that.

Let me give examples: driving your bike on a highway (where two wheelers are not allowed) in the fastest lane is fearlessness.

Stopping your car, instead of zipping away, to apologize to the other person whose car you grazed, is courage.

I am fearful and ambuj is courageous. Not complaining!

Existential Dread

"When the act of escaping seems more dreadful that the thing you are escaping from"

I have a nasty fear of heights.

I cannot climb stairs if there is no railing to hold onto and i can see the fall beneath. I cannot look down from a balcony without losing my orientation. 

Mostly its because i do not trust myself to not fall. I feel i will initiate the fall because my body feels disoriented and clumsy, with too many degrees of freedom. When i look down from a height without something solid to hold onto, the panic makes me dizzy and as my head starts swimming, the panic mounts. 

It is a vicious circle. I guess you cant understand it till u feel it.

I still find myself trying stuff like Canyon Jumping, Rappelling, Paragliding. Everytime i did such an activity i was distraught. I was reeling with fear of death. So I have asked myself why do i get myself into situations where i would feel this way?

The reason has manifested differently on all the occasions, but the reason is losing face. 

That i wont be able to face myself and others, if i cannot see this activity to the end. That not doing this activity would mean that i need to beg someone to help me back to the starting point. The fact that not getting on that paragliding chair would mean enduring snide glances from the crew.

So i choose saving my face over fear of death everytime.

It is stupid really.

Constructing Faces

I sometimes think that our faces are modular.

You can have similar "kind of" features without having the same face. And no i don't mean ethnic features..

Have you ever been forcibly reminded of someone when looking at a stranger/ celebrity. On second look you realise they don't look anything similar, but something in their face will insist upon reminding you of someone you know.

It might be the protuberance of the eye or the way their nose wrinkles when they smile. I am forever asking people "doesn't she/he look like ..." and i always get a weird look.

Doesn't happen to you? Ever?

At the Souk

Taking shelter from the sand storm raging outside, she was acutely aware of the number of people crowded together in the small tea shop.

The streets of the old souk had been quickly deserted.
The air was sand; to breathe was agony and seeing was out of question.
Screeching, merciless storm had blown away the ragged awnings of all the peddlers' stalls in the old souk even before people had found some shelter.

She felt the panic rising in her, she did not know where her mother was and she had no hope to find her before the storm abated. She tried to calm herself down by trying to count the number of people in the shop. Next she made a game of guessing the trade of people in there by looking at their garb.

It was not working, she could not fool herself. It felt as if her mind was whirring with gruesome possibilities and her body was very slow on the uptake of the requisite reaction.

Battling with her rising sense of dread, she waited out the storm. Once it was over, she almost got crushed in the stampede of people straining to get out.

When she finally made it out of the shop, she started looking for her mother. She took a quick look at the other possible shelters in the souk. Then she realised that her mother could be looking for her, so she went and sat down for sometime near their usual baqala; mother dint come.

It was getting dark now and she had not yet spotted her mother. It was the jinns, they had taken her mother from her, because she had not been a good girl of late. She wanted to cry and scream for help, but she was not sure if anyone would put up with her tantrum, right now.

She was scared to go home without her mother. What would Baba say? She had misplaced his wife in the sand storm. He will not believe that it was not her fault, he will tell her that she had invited the attention of the jinns which had now cost her, her mother and his wife. Oh and the baby's mother too.

Despairing, she started walking towards her house. She regretted slipping away from her mother to look at the glass bangles. After the bangles, her attention had been captured by a snake charmer who was putting up a show nearby. She had completely forgotten about finding her mother and then the storm had made it impossible. She had been deposited to safety by the wave of the crowd rushing to take shelter.

She could now see her house. She resolved to go and tell her Baba bravely that she had lost her mother and could not find her. As she entered the house, she heard her mother's voice. She was home! It was wave of welcome relief that washed over her. Her mother was safe at home. She rushed to meet her.

Mother was singing a lullaby to the baby, she turned and noticed Azza running towards her and realised with a start that she had forgotten her at the souk.

Nostalgia

In January 2012, after we got married Ambuj and I went to Europe for a short trip. In the last leg of our trip, we were staying in a hotel in Interlaken. 

Switzerland seemed to me a laid back country, people were mostly old , they would close at 4 in the afternoon and go home, they would not open on weekends. They wont disturb u and (resolutely, how much ever you request them to take a pic for you) they wont be disturbed. 

When you are in such a place you tend to imbibe the relaxed atmosphere especially when u find a book in the hotel that mildly interests you and is of suitable length so that you can just finish it over the duration of your stay :D

It was a story about two girls (i can only somehow picture Betty & Veronica), and their entangled love life in Paris; with lots of complications, emotions flying high, misunderstandings etc, but there was something about the writing that i loved. The same something that i find in Poirot novels; something that Anita Desai recreates in her descriptions of indian homes, the same something i found today in Maupassant's stories.. 

..it is the description of the world which is long gone; the way things were. The time when people had houses with gardens and overgrown bright pink bougainvillea would spill over their walls, when on sunny afternoons people sat outside in their green lawns on white wrought iron chairs because they dint need air conditioning.

When i look back to those days, i want to remember the name of that book but it eludes me. It was not a famous book, (i think?) none the less i would like to know which one it was so that i have the peace of mind that i can read it again if i want. (Yes, i can get paranoid at times) 

It has been very long now and i cannot remember the name of the book. Everytime i get some free time, i try to search the internet for it and each time i am reminded of the painful little i have to go on.. I dont even remember the names of the girls... and I am scared that the longer it takes me to find out the name of that book, the lesser i will remember..

I am sad now, i will read an Agatha Christie to feel better.. bye.

What Women Want

The female pysche has been the topic of much discussion and gossip. There are people actually making money out of their "skill" to read a female mind.

To summarize all these myriad websites offering help to men, the general consensus seems to be that women do what they do, because they relate everything to their basic need of : Safe and Secure future. Once this parameter is met, they do a further selection based on who is more "fun" to be with; you know there is Safe boring and then there is the Safe adventurous.. so they tend to lean towards the non boring :-| (Surprise, surprise!)

I guess if more than one guy is left by then, women would sort based on other characteristics important for them.

How amazingly logical!! 

I was reading a short story today "Femme Fatale". The story is very short, but the writer goes to great lengths describing the place, the cafe the protagonist is in, the crowd, the smell, the sounds etc etc. What happens is that the girl is with the guy, who is head over heels in love with her. She is not so much moved by him. He finds her in a passionate embrace with another girl and commits a suicide.

Another short story "CockCrow" was about a Baron trying to woo a married woman who publicly treats her husband with disdain. This Baron guy is relentlessly pursuing her and she manages to always be just on the verge of letting him take her. Finally after seeing him hunt down and kill a wild boar with his bare hands, she calls him at night to her room where he falls asleep while waiting for her to emerge from her vanity. He wakes up to find her looking at him with the same disdain she shows her husband.

Moral of the story, girls do what makes them happy. Every girl has a different perception of what makes her happy. If i am financially secure, then security might not be on my list. 

You cannot box down female pysche in a book. You cannot teach a man how to always "interpret" every girl correctly. 

We are the more evolved gender. We are the thinkers & feelers and you are the doers. The only way you can understand us, is to go through the process, the emotional turmoil, what we call sticking through the thick and thin of it; and then, finally, you will somewhat understand ONE of us.

Trying Hard(ly)

I have lost my sight,
my eye for the mundane
Forgotten the words that would spout
Without having to think and strain

I am trying hard
much too hard it'd seem
to do what i did well once
when no one took notice, but him.

Need i say more? I am slipping back into thinking that i am randomly writing. But then i tell myself that the point of this is not to become a writer but to just write.
One day out of ten i would write something i wont be ashamed of, other days i will embarrass myself.

So what!.. 

ADHD

It is the pop generation. We have very short attention spans. That is why people are moving from words to pictures; so they can say what they want to say in pics before the audience moves on.

Do away with books, bring in the comics.
Do away with blogs, watch youtube
Do away with thesis, make ppts

Being Me

So last week was a "Hate Charoo Fest". 
It might have been a "Throw Stones at Charoo Fest" but please dont blame me if i missed the exact name of the event while braving through it.

My manager, whose mind i don't know very well, has made my position somewhat like the security friskers you meet at the entrance to a Mall or airport. And my peers are; well, the people i am supposed to check for bombs. The idea is that i am supposed to put a check on non-urgent spending and increase efficiency. 
Only my peers are none too happy about being frisked (please dont laugh at my metaphor)

Last week we all met to iron out the differences and to work out who will do what. You know what happened? We all fought. They were all at one side of the table and i was at the other side. Only one of the colleagues, was defending me apart from my manager. 
You would think i would be at least thankful about my manager supporting me, but i was not; because i think it just fueled their antagonism. I think if everybody had publicly condemned me then, they would have felt avenged; now i think they will only resolve to make my life tough; tougher than it is today.

Is it OK to be hated? I guess yes, it is OK to be hated.

Different people display hate differently, some get angry at you, some will make sure you never enjoy doing what you do with them, some will just ignore you and some still will not be able to do anything while they hate you.

But, it hurts everytime you realize someone hates you. 
Me. 
Hates me.

Or maybe hate is too strong a word....but dislike wont do.

PPTHHPTH!!

So Navratre started yesterday, and i decided that i was going to fast for all 9 days.

As soon as i decided that my Baniya brain started calculating the best way to avoid the single biggest inconvenience of fasting: no food.
So i made a pact with God; i will have only one normal meal in a day. (and in an aside i added that i can eat all the fruits in the world, drink all the milk/tea/coffee, and eat Kuttu and sendha namak any number of times a day) :-/

God was not very pleased.

Yesterday i had a normal lunch and then for dinner i had "special fasting food". The "plan" was that my cook will make me kuttu cheela (less oil than puri) and raita of sendha namak. I think i overestimated her knowledge of north indian food, because what she made was not cheela, they were "rotla", the thick roti.
If you have ever had kuttu in your life, u know what i went through trying to eat them. My stomach felt queasy, but i told myself thats because m fasting.. :-/

Today morning i woke up and realised that i was unwell. (ummm.. tummy upset- diarrhoea type unwell). Everytime i came out of the loo i had to walk back again.
It did not help that Ambuj found it gravely funny. One time he scared the living daylights out of me when i emerged from the loo and he jumped out of nowhere and went "PPTHHPTH"

We had a row, and then he realised that i was unwell afterall, however funny my sickness might be.
He offered to stay home from office and look after me. I told him that he is not needed where i am facing problems so he might as well go to the office.
Then he enacted for me, what will happen if i try to go outside to buy meds; what if i go outside to buy fruit; what if things go bad and i have to go to a doctor and the auto ride is "bumpy", worse if i am in my own car...
I was "moved" by his excitement concern for me for being sick today, that i had to be taken care of (for a change i am not incharge, hummphh!) so i agreed.

Needless to say that he kept blowing raspberries every now and then, making me jump and get self conscious. Once when i tried to lift a bucket to water the plants, he asked me not to do anything stressful (like lifting) or i would go "PPTHHPTH!" oops.. How nice!

There is a saying in Hindi, "कोढ़ में खाज" which means getting your troubles compounded in bad times. So we went out to buy medicine for me and we could not find even a single medico open. At the fourth shop were were told "आज हड़ताल है" All India!

God must have been real ticked off by my double standards.

Anyhoo, i came back home and did my tried and tested "घरेलु उपचार" I swallowed a tablespoon of dry tea with water. Since then i have not had to go :) though i still feel queasy.

And now no cheating on my fasting.

Jai Mata di! :D

Superfudge caramelitas (recipe)

This is a sandwich brownie recipe. This is awesome just trust me..

Superfudge brownie batter

Featuring, in order of appearance:

Butter 55gms

Baking chocolate  45gms

Egg 1ea

Caster sugar  20gms

Vanilla essence     a splash

Flour (maida)  15gms

Crushed Walnuts  xxxgms

On very low heat in a pan melt the butter. When the butter is soft or melted put the baking chocolate in it.  Stir till choc is completely melted in butter and consistency is like soup.

Tip 1: chocolate tends to burn, if u want to be very safe put the butter choco mix on a double boilet instead of on direct heat.

Tip2: to quicken this step shave off your baking chocolate bar into smaller pieces which are easier to melt.

Next whip the egg, sugar and vanilla essence till completely combined and light yellow and thick.

Add to this egg sugar mix the butter choco and mix to combine.

To this finally add the flour and mix BY HAND. Finally add the walnuts and mix by hand to homogenise. Your batter is ready

Tip 3: i crush the walnuts using a chopper so that the size of crushed pieces is like lemon pips

Salted Caramel

Butter   20 gms
Whipping Cream   1 Tablespoon (Tbsp) - this is not whippED cream, u can use Amul fresh cream instead
White Sugar   6 teaspoon (tsp)
Sea Salt/ Salt   1 pinch

Before we launch into how to make caramel, you have to remember that Caramel comes in different consistency. The consistency is managed by tweaking the ratio of butter & cream. If you want it more liquid use slightly more cream and slightly less butter. But if you want it to set when cooled then use more butter than cream.
We are shooting for slightly set type of caramel here, so that after cooling you can pick up a piece of brownie without creating a mess :D

Now onto how to make the caramel:

You need two pans,
in Pan # 1 put butter & cream on low heat and let it simmer (do not burn it)
in Pan # 2 put the white sugar and let it melt. you have to pay attention to the sugar. I would suggest to keep it on medium heat and the crystals will start becoming weird :D. The sides will melt first, when that starts hapenning use a spoon to mix it and then it will melt rapidly.
We need to get the sugar to a yellowish color, but not burnt.

When the sugar is melted and yellow take that pan off heat.
Pour the butter-cream mixture in that sugar pan and mix it with a spoon. add a pinch of sea salt and u have a caramel :)

Baking the Caramelita

We bake in OTG, no microwaves allowed!
Set preheat to 150degC, on top & bottom heat setting
Take a OTG safe dish (Metal/ Borosilicate/ Ceramic) i used a 6in x 6in square dish.
Line it with baking paper, or what you like to use (foil also works)

Now spread half of the brownie batter on the dish, ensuring that it covers the bottom properly.
Put it in the oven and bake for 8-10 min (it will be slightly set not fully done)

After that take it out (use mittens please). Spread the caramel on top of the brownie layer. If your caramel has set, warm it up a little (can use microwave or cooktop). Then pour the remaining brownie batter on top of the caramel and try your best for a nice sandwich with minimum mixing of the layers.

Bake for 10-12 min at 150degC, top & bottom heat setting.

Tip 4: Having very liquid caramel will be easy to spread but will cause a lot of mixing, however thicker caramel will be difficult to spread but will be great to keep the layers separate. The not being able to spread problem will be fixed when u heat it and then wait for a couple of minute after spreading to let it thicken up.

Do NOT eat it while hot, wait for it to cool down to room temp, then refrigerate it at least for an hour (do i have to say, do not freeze it please?!) and then cut it into smaller pieces and enjoy :)

Dont judge a book by its movie

I am sure you all have at some point or the other seen a movie based on a book you lovvvved. I am sure that 75% of times you have hated the guts of the director for making such a chickensh*t version of the story.

a) they kill the best parts or modify them to fit in the timeline

Snowwhite and the Hunstman? I mean really? classic fairy tale gone horribly wrong. What does that Deer mean? who is the prince charming?

b) they chose the worst possible actors to portray the characters in the book

Snowwhile and the Huntsman? Kristen Stewart is only good to portray a constipated tree. Chris Hemsworth (dirty and uncouth) is trying to romance (?) a tree, its like watching a dog.

Yes my eyes got burnt when i watched this movie.

But even other movies fall into similar category. 

Harry potter got the characters right they are the same in my head, but i hate them for modifying the plot to fit the time. 

The Help did not get Aibileen's character to my liking, there was something off; but Minnie was spot on!

Twilight series' (yes! i have read the books & seen the movies) Bella is completely off. You know it might be an unpopular belief but Bella was supposed to be normal in the book. Quiet, thoughtful but normal; not fidgety, not constipated, not grimacy (if thats a word).

 [No i am not having a Kristen Stewart hatefest, she is just playing the wrong roles really]

The only movie that does justice to the books is LoTR.

I like the movies better than the book. For one the book is such a heavy read, secondly the movie has trimmed out ONLY frills around the plot. Tom Bombadill for example. A lot of people make a lot of noise about it, but really it was the most boring part of the book for me.

Anyhoo, keep reading.

PS: i made caramel brownies today :)

A Day in Life of Crazy Me

Crazy crazy trip.

So Wednesday night we were supposed to fly to Delhi, for our interview at SBI loan branch in Delhi on Thursday morning.
Super planner that i am, i did not sleep well on Tuesday night, so i was sleep deprived all Wednesday. Yay!!

Wednesday Evening:
After we reached home from office, it was pack and go time. I was practically sleeping while standing up. So i gave my phone to Ambuj, and slept in the taxi to the airport. Somewhere along my brother called, who was coming to pick us up and I talked to him and then slept again.
At the airport, we got our boarding passes, we ate some snacks and then proceeded to the security check. At the security check i realized that i do not have my phone on me, so i assumed Ambuj has it (like always). Panic kicked in when we reached the other side and i realised even Ambuj doesnt have my phone!!

You would think that after losing 5 phones in a short span of 5 years, i'd have a pre-defined reaction procedure.
But no, i always panic and start pulling my hair out.
You would think that having dealt with all 5 debacles (and paid for replacement) my husband would have a contingency procedure.
But no, he always goes in that mode where his body language makes it clear that i have messed up and he is helping to clean up. x-(

The first attempt was "Find my iPhone", bhai isi din ke liye to ye app bani hai!
But my phone was showing offline. And after this i gave up all hope. But Ambuj asked me to call the phone, just in case.

I called, and it was picked up by someone (wow!) who sounded like an expat. She told me that she is on her way to Versova, and after dropping her, the driver will come back to give me the phone. I told her that i will be flying out, and requested if she could keep my phone instead of the driver, and i will collect it from her on Friday. She told me that she works in Powai (wow # 2!) and i can collect it from her there. We exchanged numbers and i thanked her profusely for helping me. Her name was Sandeep (desi with a firangi accent!)

Friday Morning:
We reached SBI office (still very much sleep deprived) and the paperwork took a good part of 3 hours. We were surviving on Ambuj's phone, for both our work calls, calls related to query from teh SBI officers. So around 12 noon, Ambuj's phone died.

Like the super planner I am, i took out my power bank and offered him to recharge his mobile. He looked at me and said, "i do not have the cable for charging."
Whaaat.. I mean seriously?! this is regularly expected of me, but Ambuj! Never.

So we waited without any phone, for the formalities to finish. Then we realized that it is impossible to hail a cab in Delhi without a phone app (after jumping up and down for 15 mins on the curb). So we took an auto to find a store which sells the cable. the first one we spotted was "iGenius" Apple store, K block, Outer ring road, CP. They told us they did not have the original cable from apple, but sold us a new "non OEM" cable.

You know these "non Apple" cables are not so bad, the one we have from Capdase works just fine and is more durable. So we bought it and then went to a nearby coffee shop to drink something while the phone comes back to life. After 30 min of checking every 2 min, we realised that we had been taken for a ride, this cable is s**t.

By this time i was in a frantic mode again. I had to reach office and get some work done, and we were not able to get a cab. It was unbearable, unimaginable and frustrating that we were stuck because our mobile phone had collapsed.
I started waving out to cabs on outer ring road of CP like a huge flapping bat. Ambuj tried to restrain me, then i think he decided if you cant control her, join her. We spend 20 mins trying to coax full taxis to ditch their fare and take us to gurgaon.
No success.

While i was busy hunting taxi, Ambuj found another apple store and bought the real cable. i wore its packing as a bracelet so that i do not forget the craziness in a hurry. 20 min later i was snoozing in a taxi bound for Cyber city :)

Tonight i am finally going to catch up on all my sleep.

Oh btw, i got my mobile back.. faith in good human nature restored (for about five minutes, then we tried to reverse out our car, and met the generic homo sapien- the ass***e)

Embargoed

Now that i am writing again, this week was filled with things i can talk about for hours.
I dont know where to start so i will talk first about Po..

During a casual discussion i found out that one of my old Manager's (the mentor for Ambuj & me in our formative years in SL) has quit.
I was shocked, he was the personification of everything i believe about my company to be ideal. He was a person we all looked upto. And it was hard to process that information.

I went and i told Ambuj. Suddenly everyone else appeared to be abnormally normal, how come people are not reacting? Oh right, because they do not know him.
While i was still entangled in whys and hows of it.. the idea of the impossible was introduced.

He might be happier now that he has left the company.

He left because his wife wanted to return to their home country and SL has no business there due to the sanctions. He left because he (correctly) prioritised his life over work. He left because he did not undermine that his wife also works and has a career (she is a doc).

I'm still sad, and its pretty bad when u cant blame your sadness on anyone, because everyone is right.

I'm Back

You know, if we wait for Life to happen to us, we just keep standing at one point forever.

If i judge what i write, and if i write only what i think is creative, i will perhaps never write. Because i am too harsh on myself, when i do start judging.
The entire point of this blog was to not judge, to not care and to only write, whatever i want to.
Like even kharab english chalega. Jo ki na hindi hai poora na english hai baba.

So brainwave: this blog is not about creativity, it is about writing something everyday (i feel like Po who got enlightment/ inner peace too soon)

Also, do you know, blogging has fight clubbish powers :D

सुकून मिलता है दो लफ्ज़ कागज़ पे उतार के
चीख भी लेती हूँ, आवाज़ भी नहीं आती
(Not my lines)

The daily blog is back on!

Kuch bhi..

In favor of my sanity, in favor of not killing creativity just for a stupid resolution, i have decided that i will not write everyday.. But only when i uave something to say; which can be every day but loke like it wont be.. But it can be.. 

An idea worth talking about should be processed, thought of and then put down physically. If we do not do that, we have not done it justice.

Keep checking back..  

Mirror mirror on the wall

I have an annoying habit of asking ambuj to tell me whether i m as fat/ weird/ sloppy as some random girl i point at, when we are somewhere outside. He keeps telling me to just check the mirror. Poor guy!

But when i come to think of it, i cant remember what i look like at all points of time. Like i can remember how someone else would look when they would be laughing, sad, angry.. I dont know how i look. Not until someone takes a pic and i am horrified.

We have a mental image of ourselves, that has nothing to do with our physical image. What we see ourselves as is not what the other person is seeing.
Its not just my face or way of carrying myself, or the way of talking. Its everything that i do which has my face stamped on it. This is why we have habits (which we are unaware of) that others dislike or find funny.

Weird, how we do not know ourselves in the most basic way.

Redeeming Paris

Paris turned and ran, back to the safety of Hector's protection...

He admits that he is a coward. He admits that in face of death, he forgot all his pride, honor and valor and just ran from certain death. He does not try nor pretend to be a hero.

Why is Paris's cowardice repugnant?
What would most people do when death is staring them in their face? Show honor? Show integrity?
I think they will choose between fight or flee, based on what they think will help them evade death.

Then why is Paris, who does not strut around as a hero, such a disappointing character?
Did he not offer to face Menelaus alone to avoid the bloodshed that will result from Trojan war? His heart is in the right place. What can he do if he is weak, unskilled and cowardly.

I think what upsets most of us is the fact that he let so many people die, when he was so scared of dying himself. But I think that wheel was already in motion once Helen fled Sparta and came to Troy. Even that was Aphrodite's doing not Paris'.

What was Paris' mistake?

Venturing out

Have you been surprised lately?

I mean like really surprised, not "jack in the box" surprised.. 

As in you dint really think about something and it happened.. or somebody said something u never thought they could say.. or u enjoyed doing something you thought you will never do.

It is good to keep surprising yourself now and then. Even if you do it just for the heck of it.  It makes you tread into the unknown. 

Outside the perimeter of your comfort zone, none of your age old wisdoms work, none of your derived theories hold. 

It is here that you learn and form experiences to take back to your comfort zone. 

It is here that you realise how things are not binary, that there is no other color but grey and there is nothing absolute.

You will constantly surprise yourself, you will find new strengths within you, you will start understanding yourself; and when you think that you have finally gotten to the core of who you are and what you can do.... Step out further, because your comfort zone has stretched.

I advise you to stop doing this at the age of 45, when everyone should retire and live happily ever after :D

Poker marathon

The Mahabaleshwar trip was in many ways a poker marathon.

It wasn't planned, it was just that we lost so bad on the first day that we felt we had to redeem ourselves and kept playing like crazy for the rest of the vacation.
Jaya and Ankit are still feeling it, i'm sure.

It was not as bad as it sounds, we ate at regular intervals and went shopping where i bargained with whoever talked to me.

So back to Poker, we losers realised what keeps a single player winning. It is the fact that they do not have to think much about spending small amounts. That enables them to take risks and risks yield returns. So when the panic of losing money sets in, that is also the time when u start losing more.

Oh the panic manifests itself into funny ways. 

I became a freelancing dealer for a few turns when i lost all my money and then started back after borrowing some from Ambuj.
Jaya developed the habit of professing that she has lost faith in her cards after "river" and checking whether she can take her stake back ;P She was the one who kept the Agarwal clan from sinking, she steadily kept building her Kuber ka Dhan.
Ankit's face went from jolly to scowling as the game progressed. He lost money like equity mutual funds have, up and down, up and down, down and down and down. He finally turned to stealing from Jaya when she was looking away. Eventually the poor guy broke, he started his army of chips, who were going to war to take more prisoners or die in attempt (get the analogy?)
Other players went into panic mode where they bit the head off their partners, went beserk and started pacing the hall etc etc..

It was a very high stakes game, some fraying of nerves is expected.

We (losers) also coined the term "Zamindars" for the winners so that they do not feel good about winning. And we termed ourselves "Bandhua Mazdoors" for ourselves so we feel good about losing.
We also had Ankit do commentary everytime it was only the girls left till the last round. He named us as three cats: Ramesh, Suresh and Rakesh.. He definitely didnt know how to name cats..

After the entire poker blitz, the Johris came out +1200, Tiwaris came out at no loss and the Agarwals are still looking for more poker games to even out the score :P

Yay!

Beauty and the Beholder

While on our way back to Mumbai from Mahabaleshwar, Jaya n Ankit found an awesome point to stop. We went to the edge of a plateau and below us lay the verdant valley surrounded by the Ghats.

It made me feel small, it was so huge, humbling and beautiful.
And try as i may to capture it and take it away forever with me, the beauty eluded my lens.

I always get frustrated at my inability to make the picture look the way i am seeing it; it just doesn't look that great!
The picture cannot speak to the (passive) viewer the way that scene talks to me, it never humbles them the way looking "sakshat" at it does.

But maybe what i want to remember is how it made me feel.. what memories flooded back to me when i sat there, how happy i was, or how peaceful...

Ocean, my lens can never capture,
If only, you could see what i see,
if only, you could feel the rapture,
the humbling vastness, the bewitching beauty

Weekend trip

My life has become very busy.

I dont remember being busier..

I know i have said this before in one post that m stressed out from self inflicted stress... This is different (i am making an excuse for not posting ontime)

This long weekend we (3 couples) are in mahabaleshwar for a weekend road trip. 

For a big chunk of drive the girls were in one car and guys in one. So much fun!

I was driving, and after a long time i was able to drive without biting anybody's head off.

I feel reborned. I feel free from shackles of insecurity over my dubious abilities as a driver. I feel victorious over my fears.

I will concede that i did regale the two other car occupants with some outbursts. 

I did have those moments of screeching brakes, expletives pouring out, fist in the air.. But the average of (outburst/ distance driven) was much less on the highway.

At a point i wanted to take a break and offered the other veteran in our car. Our car who was telling us inspiring stories about her driving achievments. But she polietly turned it down telling me she gets stressed out when she drives. :-/

We reached the hotel we had booked at night, tried very hard to get upgrades to the room with the corner view and failed. When we got up in the morning we had a hearty laugh for the "fortunate" ones who paid double for the corner view because we are all overlooking an overgrown unmaintained lawn and a hillock. Heehaaha.. Victory!! 

(M a sore loser)

Poker was also a highlight yesterday, we played till 3:30 am. The Tiwari dampatti won everything and made the Johris and Agarwals "bandhua mazdoors". But we turned the tide eventually and recovered a lot. The only ones down now are the Agarwals..

Thaka hua Thursday

I am feeling bad about something, but i cant put my finger on it.

Its probably something to do with people pushing work towards others everytime there is a change in organisation. Or maybe that the "people" in this case are people i do not expect to do this.

It might be that i feel i am not doing all that i should currently. But I also do not want to work 24x7. I am doing all i can.

I could be that i flunked a guy in his presentation today, and i was the only person who flunked him. I was asked "my feedback" which sounded a lot like demanding a reason why i think his project was not upto scratch.

It might just be piling up of all this on me.
I hate saying that this is not my work or that is your work, but if i do not say this now, i will not be able to do it all.

I have this sinking feeling that its going to go on forever. Maybe i should just sleep and forget about today. Maybe i should discuss this with my absent manager's delegate.

Maybe all i need is perspective... i am worried about small things, there are people dealing with cancer.

My 12th class Maths teacher used to shock us every alternate lesson with a question, we couldnt solve. Then after we had given up, he used to show us the solution, which would appear easy, but difficult.. i used to call it magic.
He would look at us, reeling from the awe at his solution, cogs audibly whirring in our brains and he used to smile his feline smile and say, in what he thought was a consolatory tone:

" भगवान आपको उतना ही दुःख देता है, जितना आप सह सकते हो.."

True, so true..

Remembering Kuwait..

I am a Desert, unheeding the rigors of sun

I am wild, free and brazen,
no decency of vegetation..
passing wind lifts my sandy skirt..
I don't mind much..
I sleep, by the sea..
drunk and carefree..

To friends, with love

Have always wondered how people become friends; good friends.

I think there is some contribution of the situation you are in, some contribution of the person you are, some contribution of what you think a friend is, what your boundaries are..

There are friends who have been with you in good times and bad.

We were girls starting 11th Class. We had recently changed our schools, we were all considered "good students", all aspiring to become future IITians, all weird in our own ways. Nisha was the pacifist, Shruti was the academician and I was the one who needed crash course in anger management. Boxed together in a small room of Kailash, we became close friends. Even when we are not talking everyday, we catch up.. even when we do not see each other for a long time, we do not forget.

There are friends who are in similar situation and decide to stick together.

Expats we were; removed from our homelands; plucked from our real friends.. dumped in a desert where even camels dint befriend us... We made friends very quickly and very eagerly. But we dint share our woes, we shared our happiness, we revelled in each others company for the sake of having company.

There are friends who just click; in a few meetings they become trustworthy..

Breakfasts on weekends. Laughing only at jokes which are funny, plans of a vacation together. Bitching about the things that should be but aren't. Swapping stories happy and sad. Staying in touch once separated..

What kind of place would world be if it wasn't for friends..

Stereotypes

We recently learnt two new terms; "Halal money" and "Haram money"
One means hard earned money and the other means easy money.

You see that guy speeding a BMW on the road, yes P90 (probability 90%) case it is Haram Money. See those youngsters in Gucci, Armani... right again P90 case; Haram money.

I have learnt a new way of stereotyping our black and white world (Alert: sarcasm!)

Have you ever felt jealous of the rich girls while you work hard to get the same comforts?
I have, I do and I think there will be still more days in my life when i will..

There are days when i am struggling and i think, "who doesn't want a simpler life".

And then there are days when i am kicking as* at work and i feel happy that i chose this (i am trying to remember the last time i thought this; my face is contorted in the effort)....
So anyways, what i am trying to say is that while time and again i wish i had the luxury of easy money, i am thankful that i went the "halal" way (hah! as if i had a choice)

Also what i am saying is that it always seems that grass is greener on the other side.
Who knows what sort of difficulties rich people have.  The world is definitely not divided in rich people and hard working people, so i should give my stereotyping a rest.
As long as we are all what we want to be, we should consciously repress the jealousy

Sri sri Ambuj ji maharaj says, halal today, haram tomorrow.. who knows

All's well that ends well..

We are currently on our way back from Amritsar.
It was a good trip, in some sense it was a great trip.

There was not much drama, at least not the kind we usually expect..
There was however more communication between people, some resolving of misunderstandings, some thawing of hearts.. Which made it a great family get together.

I hope we can have the entire family on wedding. Been so long since we were all together.

Siappa!

Noun
Meaning: Chaos
Origin: Punjabi
Usage: O siappa!! (Oh fuck!)

Saturday went by in a blurr, all of us were in 'low sleep high adrenaline' state. This blog should have been written on saturday night, but i was dealing with a lot of happy chaos..

We reached Amritsar in the morning at 9 AM on Saturday and were recieved in a grand way by the "kudiwalas" (kudi=ladki)
Soon we were breaking our fast and then a lot of people were planning to go to the Golden Temple. I thought i should also take a dip in the rich culture of the town and decided to go there and dragged Ambuj along.
I chose to wear a cotton suit with super heavy danglings. I was looking rather okay for a change and was very pleased with myself. When we came down to leave for the temple at 12 noon, i was briefed that i have been charged with the responsibility of maintaing peace and harmony between two different groups of extended family. Siappa!
We reached GT to find a huge line of people waiting and i was painfully reminded of the huge weight on my ears. I cursed myself for having been dumb enough to dress up for a temple visit ( m rolling my eyes right now). Before we could march ahead to our goal, i got a work bad news call. Siappa!
Grumpy is the only word i can use to describe my mood at the time we were entering the premises of the temple. Ambuj and i decided to not enter the inner sanctum because none of us felt like it. After earning looks ranging from surprise to amusement to pity from all our companions, we sat near the kund waiting for them. I kept regretting the sleep i could have caught up on had i not come at all.

We got back around 2 in the afti and then had a long lunch, where people kept joining our table at regular intervals making it impossible to politely excuse ourselves and get some sleep. Finally we got to our room at 3:15 and i was informed that i had to go for "getting ready" at 4:30 as the event was to start at 7, and me being family needed to be there before time. Siappa!

After an unsuccessful power nap, I reached lakme for getting ready at 5ish- i was sleep deprived and hence very disgruntled. The hair stylist was the first indication of the impending doom. She curled all my hair despite my telling her that i would not look good. She was somehow bent upon making me look like a squat toad. I finally let her do what she wanted because my mom told me that we should let the experts decide sometimes. She was happy, put some rollers in my head and shipped me to the makeup guy. He sounded ok, but when i got up from his station i was looking like the Cheshire cat. Siappa!
When the rollers in my hair came off, i had an actual panic attack. The stylist forgot all her technique and advice and straightened my hair to thie normal state. Now i was just a cheshire cat, not a frankensteinian experiment.
By the time i reached the hotel i had met more people who, like me, while miserable themselves were doling out consolatory praises for the other victims of the beauty industry. I reasoned that i am making too much of it, i will be ok... 

My brothers however, took a different view and made sure that i did not forget my misfortune in a hurry. I was subjected to comments, sniggers, advise on how to dunk my face in water all throughout the evening. Siappa! 

Even the groom who was having an especially bad case of nerves, took his time commenting on the drawbacks of excessive use of makeup.

The function started at 8 PM. It ended by 2 AM. When i reached my bed i dint collapse like i thought i would. I made a beeline to my mom for some rehashing of who said what to whom, and who did what.. She booted me out at 3 and i went to sleep :)

Joy ride begins..

We are currently on our way to Amritsar for the engagement- in a bus- the entiiiire family :)))

All my cousins :D

All the adults :)

And a looong journey 

I love family "journeys" there is food, drinks, laughter.. And cousins..

Cousins are the best friends to spend such journeys with as they can completely embarrass you without you feeling bad :B

We are swapping stories about how Gauri used to decide battles and wars; how sonu used to eat tomatoes; how i "used to be" scared of things breaking..

We are laughing, pulling leg, ogling at every passing dhaba.. 

We are going to be asleep soon.

Lights out..

Away and Back again..

I am in NCR <!!cough Faridabad!!> today for the weekend.
Coming back home after staying in mumbai for a month and a half feels good.. hmmm.. :)

My brother (not cousin, please mind!) is getting engaged; (as you know) and we have come to attend the event with supply of Butter popcorn :D

My brother (the wise one, who is not getting married ;)) came to pick Ambuj & me from the airport. On the way he brought us up to speed, with whats going on, who is off their rocker with stress overload, who has been bitching about things (me), who is missing in action etc.

We are one big fat Marwari (joint) family; some drama is expected, heck! some drama is eagerly anticipated.
I might sound very mean saying this, but i am sure there will come that moment when the nerves will start fraying because someone in the family will accidentally say something that will cause "Vehem" about the auspicious occasion- it always happens (but its never ever funny)

We are already betting on who will break under duress first; you see we already have some updates that may cause awkwardness..

Today we laughed and pranced, got mehndi on our hands and kickstarted the weekend long celebrations.
My bet is on my mom and my chachi, they will be the first ones to go bonkers with stress; they will also the ones working hardest given the shaadi is their baby (or the groom is) >:)

My brother gives a disdainful pause, and then places a bet on my mom & the groom ;)

May the best woman win! :B

(F**k it I'm going Home)ish Day

I broke everything i touched today ( oh not literally!).

I broke my beloved old pepper grinder.
I wasnt even handling it, i was reaching out for sugar and it just tumbled forward; as if to remind me that we have not said hello for a long time.
I saw it fall, and i froze i didnt even react to save it.
It shattered, sending glass everywhere :'(

Then these new earrings i bought myself (really heavy) broke.
I was trying it on and admiring them, while deciding which dress i should wear them with.  While taking off, it slipped out of my hand and broke clean into two pieces.
@$#&^%@$!

Then one of the drawers of my dressing console dropped dead when i was shutting it.
I was desperately looking for cotton. You know how it is when u look for cotton and you cant find it? It is like cotton is taking is revenge for having been forgotten for a year.. I was looking in every drawer- Open..close.. open.. close..open...BAM!
It just dropped flat down while a loud bang.

That is when i gave up. I told Ambuj, today is not my day. I should just turn in.

So turn in i will (before i annihilate this laptop).
Gnite

Stressed Out

I think the problem with me is that mostly i dont know what i want (most) at a given time.
Compounding that problem is the fact that i want all the things in life with the same longing, at all times.
I hate to compromise, or as some will say, i do not prioritise.

I set myself impossible goals, it is almost as if i am challenging myself to fail.
This weekend for example: i had, apart from my own work, the handover from my manager as well as my colleague; this meant phone calls, urgencies etc.
Together with that i called for a get together at our place on Saturday and decided to make at least 5-6 dishes.
Why?
Because me! I wanted to invite people over, and if not this weekend then when?
Oh you ask why is it such a big deal to invite people over? Its not, not at least to a sane person, but since the idea was stuck in my head, there was no "unstucking" it.
It just had to be done and i committed myself to it, by announcing it to everyone. (this is another crazy thing i do...)
On top of that, on Sunday, i was going to have (my first) HQ level meeting in which i had to present (which i suck at). And the icing on the cake i invited one of my friends to stay back and have Sunday breakfast with us.

I had a great time on Saturday, had a nice breakfast on Sunday and the meeting went ok too.  No fiascos on the weekend meant i handed over the extra responsibility without embarrassing explanations.

But i was stressed out at all times, thinking about the next thing while figuring out the task at hand.

Yesterday, i had one of those rare heart to heart chats with my brother, while i was still nursing my hurt over the "gift" thing. And he asked me, "Why do you care? why do you want to add one more thing to the list of things you want to stress about? Why dont you just go into auto pilot and do what they want you to do and get rid of thinking for at least one thing in life."

He sounded right, i juggle too many things at a time sometimes. I need to let a few things be. I need to pick my battles, i need to learn how to compromise.

Or do i? I hate the word compromise.

On the other hand, I think i like stress. I think stress makes me feel good.

The only sane thing i did, was to marry the right guy.

दिखावे की दुनिया

I will come out and say it; I was having a good day and then i was not.
I wanted to buy a gift for someone, and i was told not to buy it, because it was not good enough.

It was a piece of artificial jewellery that i wanted to gift my brother's intended, and i was asked not to bring artificial jewellery, because it might upset people in the family.

Its not just that its hurtful to know that you can let your family down just by being yourself, its just that they completely overlooked the fact that i wanted to buy her a gift!

Well i wont now.

Tell me Sita (Book Review)

I recieved the book shelf today, and finally my books saw the light of a mumbai afternoon :)
Here is a book review marking the day my books found a place in our home :D

"Sita" by DevD Pattnaik.

What is the first image that comes to mind when one thinks of Sita. For me the first image that springs to mind is also her last image: face streaked with tears, heart broken she calls out to her mother, calls out to the only person in the world who doesn't judge her, and asks to be taken away. Away from the people who mean nothing to her but condemn her, from her beloved who means everything to her but won't stand up for her.

The book changed my view. Slightly.
It made me see Sita not as heart broken "abala nari" but as a heart broken but strong single mother. That Ram could not become a perfect husband is not even a matter of discussion, it is a given.

Who is to know that after a marriage filled with such hardships as in the story, Sita was not relieved to be off the hook. That she did not welcome the thought of being free, albeit not on her terms.

What was the alternative, given that Ram is Ram; and would not silence the common man-
He would have asked her to publicly prove her innocence; like he did back in Lanka. Would you do it? Again? and then Again for that one guy who was gone visiting his relatives and could not attend. Then again for the new settlers in the city. Again and again everytime someone raises a question or mocks the king!
I would not; I would never.. I would be furious with my husband for asking such a thing... But then I would expect him to value me over all else.

Then again, maybe, Sita understood Ram's need for people pleasing. She understood that she came second to that. Maybe that combined with the self righteous anger would bring any self respecting female to part ways with her husband.

What i do not believe is that she was ok with it.
She could have understood it. She could have agreed that her going away was better than the alternative. But i cannot believe that she was not disappointed in Ram for putting her through this.

Evading Regret

It is always difficult to put yourself out there. It is like leaving yourself vulnerable to some sort of hurt.

Every single time that i have done that, i have been scared. But sometimes i have been thankful that i did it.

What do i really mean when i say "putting myself out there"?
When i told him that i loved him, though i doubted that his concern might just be friendship.
When i fought with my boss trying to tell him that i am not happy with work he gave me and was ready to quit if he couldn't find anything better for me to do.
When i opened my bookclub and called the first meetup, i was half sick to death that no one will turn up.
Heck! everytime i throw a get together at my place and i worry that all my prep will go wasted.

So i think "putting yourself out there" means to be the person who has everything to lose and everything to gain by the outcome of the action. To be in a situation where there is more than 50% chance of failure.

Has it never rebounded? Oh it has! a lot of times. I have cried, i have sobbed, but luckily i have always had a friend to get through it :)
Have i never backed out of such an action? oh i have a number of times!

But i really think that i will always always cherish the times it worked, such is the positive aura around these few instances that it never ceases to brighten me up.

When i look back, to all such times, whether i failed or not, i at least would not wonder "What if..?"
And really isn't regret the worst thing to have at the end of our long career in life?

Live and live dangerously :). Live as if there is nothing to lose when there is everything to lose and put your faith in the one person who will stand by you, no matter what.. 

Toodles..

Sad is not bad

Why are all our great songs sad?

Ask me to sing impromptu, and i cant remember one single happy song. They are either songs of loves long lost, or the songs of separation, songs of dreaming about better times.

I think we are touched more by "non happy" emotions that happiness.

I think when we are happy we just sail through it without much thought, we forget God, we forget meaning of songs, we forget everything and we just live.

But when we are not happy, we dig into the meaning of things, we want to know why life is hard, we want to sing about it, write about it, paint about it, to find a vent for our feelings.

Sadness spurs us on... and We make art. We dream. We think.

We are different not because we can communicate; we are different because we feel sadness deeply as an emotion.

Frootboy

Introducing Mahesh the Froot-Boy! <<Jazz music>>

In our office we have a little morning tradition, we have this guy, Mahesh who brings the fruit for everyone. He comes to you on your desk and asks you to choose from the collection of fruits of the day.

If you are in your office checking email, he will check in with you if you are in need of fresh fruit.

If you are in the conference room, giving presentation, he will check with you if your dietary needs need to be met (right that second!)

If you are in your bosses office, having a shouting match with him, he WILL check with you in there; chest puffed out, eyes full of disdain to have to witness such petty behaviour when he is doing the grand task of delivering fruit.

No matter where you are, no matter who you are with, no matter what you are doing, Mahesh will find you and will ask you, "Frut?"

American teen patti

If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.

They say poker is not about playing cards, it is about playing your opponent. Alright, granted. But you still need to have cards, right? I never really understood what that is supposed to mean. How am I supposed to play my opponent while I am holding a two of spades and a seven of diamonds and (s)he raises 50 pre-flop on 10-20 blinds. Here is how I do it: I FOLD!!

I reckon life is sort of a poker game as well, Texas Hold'em. You are dealt two cards, your ability and your situation. Then you start betting, "playing" your opponents. Then community cards open, one by one. You keep playing your opponents. You win some (crack that deal with a client, get that promotion, run a marathon), you lose some (lose money in stocks, boss is pissed over a report you submitted, injury doesn't allow you to walk). You slowly get good at it.

Then you bet large, and you double your bankroll. You bet larger next time and crash down. The game keeps going, good or bad, you are always dealt a new set of hole cards. Whether you call, fold or re-raise depends on your style of play, but you have to keep playing. Just remember: you can't lose what you don't put in the middle... but you don't win much either.

Ramblings of a confused mind

It is never easy to quantify feelings, ability, ambitions.. Yet thats what we try to do everyday.

Is ability same as ambition? Is it incumbent upon those who are capable, to try and take over the world? Is it "wrong" to aspire to things bigger than your ability?

I see it everyday, so many people who can, do not have the passion to compete. Those who are very competitive are not necessarily the best in their field.

But then i ask myself, these capable people i talk about: who are they "more capable" / "less ambitious" than? These ambitious people i see who are they "less capable"/ "more mbitious" than?

We cannot measure traits. People of same age, same discipline are also different. Maybe i should see ambition also as an ability: to compete.
Moreover, how are we crediting people with these traits? How do i know who is more capable or competitive? Based on what parameters am i measuring these traits?

However much i try to twist this thought so that i can symmetrically fit it into logical moulds, i cannot. We cannot compare two people.

Every moment is the result of a huge equation with so many variables that your apparent successes or failures cannot be wholly attributed to u. You can only influence life events to an extent based on whether to decide to act, what your decision was etc.

When Gita tells you that, it is not necessarily asking you to put your faith in the Divine, might actually just be saying that u just do what u think is right and then let the equation compute.

I think i digressed. I mixed up two things, or did it make sense?

Home made pizza

Pizza crust:
Warm some water in a pan, it should be warm but you should be able to hold your finger in it for 10 sec without getting burnt. Set it off heat.
Sprinkle dry instant yeast on it and forget about it for 15 min.

Meanwhile mix maida (all purpose flour) with some salt and olive oil. Add the yeast water slowly while kneading into a sticky dough. Rest for two hours and see it increase in volume.

After two hours, roll this dough out in the shape of your pizza. Put it in the pan which you will use to bake in in the oven and against let it rest for at least two hours, before topping it.

Topping:
Spread pizza sauce on the surface of the pizza crust.
For cheese try "fresh mozarella" called Bocconcini. Slice it and arrange it on surface of the pizza after sauce has been spread.
Put other toppings on it, do not overload the pizza.
Sprinkle salt and oregano on top and fresh shredded basil leaves.

Baking:
Preheat the oven at 220degC and pop in the loaded pizza when the temp is attained.
Bake for 10 min in the middle rack, top n bottom.
You can change time for what works for you, u know how a pizza which is perfectly done looks :)

Tips:
U can use grated processed mozarella instead, but fresh mozarella tastes awesome. However be careful that it will lose water which can collect in the tray or make the pizza soggy, so pat it dry before putting slices on the pizza.
Fresh veggies like mushrooms and peppers also tend to lose a lost of water, if you plan to use them, saute them a bit so they lose part of the water before putting them on the pizza.

Enjoy!!