Existential Dread

"When the act of escaping seems more dreadful that the thing you are escaping from"

I have a nasty fear of heights.

I cannot climb stairs if there is no railing to hold onto and i can see the fall beneath. I cannot look down from a balcony without losing my orientation. 

Mostly its because i do not trust myself to not fall. I feel i will initiate the fall because my body feels disoriented and clumsy, with too many degrees of freedom. When i look down from a height without something solid to hold onto, the panic makes me dizzy and as my head starts swimming, the panic mounts. 

It is a vicious circle. I guess you cant understand it till u feel it.

I still find myself trying stuff like Canyon Jumping, Rappelling, Paragliding. Everytime i did such an activity i was distraught. I was reeling with fear of death. So I have asked myself why do i get myself into situations where i would feel this way?

The reason has manifested differently on all the occasions, but the reason is losing face. 

That i wont be able to face myself and others, if i cannot see this activity to the end. That not doing this activity would mean that i need to beg someone to help me back to the starting point. The fact that not getting on that paragliding chair would mean enduring snide glances from the crew.

So i choose saving my face over fear of death everytime.

It is stupid really.