I want to break free

Increasingly i have been having ideas to get away. To run away from all this crazy work and live differently. I wont stay home but do something else. Something that doesn't have to be high paying. I want to find myself again. I want to live happily again. Right now i am living in wait of the next bright spot in future... Vacation, Parents' visit, Weekend trip etc. its not sustainable.

I want to get out. 

Writing again

Its been so long i wrote anything. 

The last post was a vent of frustration on my situation at work which btw i fought out of. Just that i dont like fighting so much... Funny?

Its not.

Anyhoo, there is so much going on right now that in my head there is a battle going on about which story should i write about. 

So last Monday Ambuj went to Baroda for a day trip. His flight was at 5:30am so he left at around 4.. At 6:15 i woke paralysed.. Literally.

Wikipedia tells me only my midbrain was awake, and rest was dreaming and that is why i felt paralysed. Its called Sleep paralysis.

I cant describe the experience in anyway other than terrifying. It was clear to me that there was a presence behind me on the other side of the bed. I was aware that Ambuj has left. Then i felt as that the wind start blowing so fast that i was being sucked in. Finally, i heard a voice calling my name.. Thats when panic woke my whole brain and i was able to get up and rush out of my room.

I went to the balcony and sat there looking at morning walkers.

I cant even begin to thjnk if i had woken up mid night, in dark alone. 😞

Me n U; Just us Two

The best thing about my marriage is that however obtuse reference or metaphor we use; the other person understands instantly.

U know this has helped us have a language of our own :)

Where do we go now?

So what is the matter with me?

What am i doing here? where do i want to go?
Do i have the guts to go all in? Am i reading my cards right?

The feel good factor

There  are a few things in life that everyone experiences. Those things everyone loves:

The feeling when vacation starts, and you have all the possibilities ahead of you. The sudden sweetness of the early morning breeze, the slow passage of morning hours which usually rush past in the whirlwind of getting ready and getting to the office.

The feeling of being appreciated, makes you feel you have finally arrived. Acceptance, adulation, affection and everything directed at us becomes a compliment.

The feeling of silent solidarity, when someone willingly stands with you  against a storm. The sense of purpose it imparts when u really put your head down and fight for something you think is right. The exhilaration when you weather the storm unbroken.

Remember these feelings... like vacation, success and trials it will come to you periodically. 

Big Picture

Before i tell you my big idea, i should give you a few updates:
I am reading "Hitchhiker's guide to Galaxy".
I have a small garden and i love it when it is in full bloom, and i feel distraught if any of my plants is dying or unwell..

So i was dining with Jaya and we were discussing what a diabolic squirrel did to her baby plants. I mentioned how some of my plants were not doing well, even though they were being water properly and had the right kind of soil etc etc.. She replied that she has read that plants suffer more from over watering than underwatering. That was that, our Ravioli arrived and we started discussing Gnocchi and Ravioli.

Then while in office on Friday i read the security advisory that Chennai had been declared a disaster zone. Army had been deployed for the rescue ops.
Too much rain. Overwatering is bad for humans too, i thought grimly.

Then i thought, what if, God is just another person in a bigger realm.
Sun must be his kitchen, Earth must be his garden. When we pray, we would be like flowers blooming and his heart (probably) melts. While watering his garden, he must have left the can running over chennai.

He would talk to other "Gods" of how his garden is looking good, but the "humans" (instead of plants) are dying in one of the places; and the other God would reply sagely, "Humans die more of overwatering than underwatering.."

Taking Stock

Another year coming to end. As i look back, i realise that i haven't done much this year...

I haven't read as many books i'd like to read.
I haven't been a good person as much as i would like to be and I have had a lot of aspersion dumped on me this year.. always unwelcome, sometimes unexpected
I have mostly been a work person. (I want to change that, but i get sad when i think that i will not be 100% dedicated, whatever my 100% means.)

I made new friends, I had more fun this year.
I ate healthier this year, but gained weight nonetheless..
We made some major life decisions this year, took on more responsibility on our shoulders

This year, I finally accepted what i have been evading, that i find it hard to say no to people.
I found that i am never going to be a politically correct person, which means i am going to suffer all my life from foot in mouth disease.
I made my peace with the fact that it is ok to not be/ do what society expects of you.

I found that my family accepted me even though i had a penchant for drama sometimes; though i do not know why.